So, my grandfather has/had lung cancer. One lung removed, not sure on status of other one. Still, in his 70s, chances aren’t good.
So I have stress dreams. Because he’s one of 2 family members who really cares, and we lost so much time. Between my anxieties about never knowing what to say, or knowing how to talk to anyone, and general distance, and stuff, there wasn’t a lot of time.
So I dream that he’s died already, and I’m stressing out because I couldn’t attend the funeral (likely in life, since it’s halfway across the country and I don’t even have the money for all the bills all the time much less ability to take a week off of work to drive there, etc.)… and more than that, I couldn’t attend the funeral even if I wanted there because my mother threw a fucking fit about not wanting me to show up. So to not make a spectacle in front of the rest of the family, I stayed behind. For their sake, for the sake of my aging relatives and people close to him, to not make this day about my fucking narcissist of a mother. At least, in front of them, because everything is always about her.
And of course, because I didn’t come to the funeral, she turns it around into how I’m just this heartless horrible person who doesn’t care about anyone. “I “offered* to take her! She just doesn’t care about our family…” Because she’s like that. Always. If I do anything ‘right’, it’s because she’s an awesome person. If I do anything at all, I’m a monstrous fuckup and she’s the martyr, the sacrificing one who just can’t understand what went so wrong with me.
So naturally the rest of the family turns on me. Just like everyone always does when she has anything to do with it. And of course, I was devastated because she ruined yet another huge important thing for me. And then fucked me over even more. Because she’s just an evil fucking person. And everyone takes her side.
Placing bets now on how likely this is to come true.
In better news, my youngest sister, who is still pretty much captive to that shebeast, is getting to stay up and chat with me still. I’ve re-introduced her to Rush and X Japan. I tried to a few years ago, but it’s one of those things you just don’t get until you do. But now she gets it. 2112 is perhaps one of the greatest albums released. Roll the Bones kept me sane in the Fundie days. Us sane people have to stick together.